BBC'S Sherlock rec post

So, uh right. BBC's Sherlock is kind of fantastic (second lukewarm episode not withstanding). And the fic prompt meme (hey look, a prompt meme not disguised as a kink meme!) is actually filled with some really really excellent fic. So I'm making a rec post. A themed rec post, for

BBC'S "I Shouldn't Be Into This Kink" Sherlock Rec List
A collection of weird kinks and miscellaneous crackfic.

Discombobulate by shesakicker; Rated...I don't know, PG-13, probably
Or "Sexting was never my kink, but this is charming as hell." I just. Haha, god, something I love most about 90% of these fics is the level of clever humor in them. It's obvious where this one is going the whole time, but it's still fun.

"I need you to send a text for me."

"A text?" John ventured once he'd put away most of the groceries.

"Yes, John. A text," Sherlock replied dryly. "Something I'm almost certain is within your admittedly limited technological capabilities."

Ah, the Holmes charm.

Double Rainbow Anonymous; Rated PG
I laughed so hard I cried. onionsarelife almost had an asthma attack. Oh my god. The dialogue. Oh god. What makes this best is the way it starts out totally believable and rapidly descends into wtf!crackfic.

Sherlock stopped in his tracks so suddenly that John nearly slammed into his back. They'd reached the top of the hill. Sherlock had gone as still as a statue, his gaze suddenly distant and distracted. John waited; he was getting used to this sort of thing. Sherlock had no doubt suddenly reached an epiphany, and at any moment would exclaim that he knew precisely who the killer was, how he'd done it, and why he'd done it.

Instead, Sherlock said, "Woah, that's a full rainbow!"

Errant Fill by ptelefolone; Rated PG
Oh my god, established relationship domesticity IS NOT MY KINK. But this is so witty and charming and just perfection, so I can't say no.

"I only mention it because that ending, aside from being completely untrue, is the worst example of unabashed, nauseating tripe I could possibly think of, and lamentably characteristic of your recent forays into popular fiction. Facts, John, that's what it's really about. The logic behind the process. The rational conclusion -- not your saccharine little endings."

The Totally Canon Record of Sherlock and John's Bond Night by Anonymous; Rating PG
Again with the domesticity is so not my kink, but oh gosh. This is just. Oh my god, clever dialogue. Charm abounds. John touching Sherlock's curly, curly mop of hair. Be still my heart.

"Oh come on, it's not even -"

"I see it, I see it. Come on, you were fine with the bloody tank chase, can you not forgive a wonky laser?"

Personal Space by Anonymous; Rated R
Sherlock keeps walking in on John when he's naked. Oh god. I just. I laughed so hard. The end is abrupt as hell, but I can't even care because oh my god.

"You sounded like you were in pain," Sherlock said finally, mildly, and let himself out of the room without another word.

Psychosematics by Anon; Rated G
Oh my god, I'm so ashamed. This is unabashed, no-excuse handholding fic and it's soooo charming and so well written. I can't even. Oh my god what the hell, self.

Psychosomatic or not, his leg was starting to cramp unbearably from the strain of crouching. John tried for a slight, unobtrusive lean against his silent companion, even knowing he'd pay for it in barbed comments once the danger had passed. The change in position helped some; the loosening of calf muscle was almost sexual in its relief.

Come Dine With Me by emmyangua; Rated PG-13
A cross-over with the reality show Come Dine With Me. No, seriously. Hands down one of the most delightful Sherlock crackfics I've read. Genuinely hilarious, but most of all totally holmesian with a mystery and everything. What a genuinely FUN read.

John soon became used to finding a bored Sherlock flipping through reality TV programmes and pronouncing his verdict on the participants. He could tell when they were lying, when they were being manipulative, and- best of all- when they were being manipulated by the judges and production team.

"She's going out tonight," he would announce after a merely 30 seconds of Strictly Come Dancing. “You see the unflattering dress they've put her in? And they've kept the camera on her for two seconds longer than everyone else. Makes her look more desperate than she is."

Lady in Red by Anonymous; Rated PG
I can't even begin to explain this one, except that Sherlock is trying to deduce what brand of lipstick their suspect was wearing for whatever reason and that this fic really has no reason to be as good as it is but also this is what I think about every time the show lingers anywhere near the vicinity of Benedict Cumberbatch's perfect mouth and oh my god what the hell.

Sherlock's way of putting on makeup is nothing like the way his fellow students at medical college used to do, when they were drunk and some bright bugger thought it would be a laugh to put on his girlfriend's swiped lippy; not even like the women he'd dated, who used their pocket mirrors to self-conscious effect, watching him over their shoulder to make sure he properly appreciated the suggestive smacking of their freshly-dyed lips.

And the heat goes on... by Anonymous; Rated SO VERY NC-17 OH MY GOD
Alright okay, this is just like. It's filthy no-touching fic and insanely pornographic and I can't stop myself from reccing this. I feel filthy just re-reading it, but in the...best way possible?

Followed him all the way to his disastrously untidy room, where Sherlock courteously held the door open for him, flicked on the light, waited for John to go through.

And then there they were facing each other, both breathing a little quickly, as if the chase had only just finished.

Well, in for a penny, John thought[...].

But if you're only going to read two fics on this list, these are the ones you should seriously be reading:

The Khyber Knife by ariadnes_string; Rated NC-17
Consensual knife-play and dear Christ, this fic is insanely well done. The backstory. The characterization. The dialogue and just. Oh god. You guys, this is just brilliant and perfection; the title alone is phenomenal. What I love most about this is that it highlights that edge (pun...intended?) to John's character in the new series. This John has the capability to be so very dangerous and raw, and he keeps a damned gun in his desk drawer. And this? This is just all of that distilled into the raw blade of a knife and just. Oh. My. God.

He’d gone to Afghanistan with a standard issue army knife, and he’d come back with a slender, steel blade with a carved ivory handle—smaller than the traditional Khyber knife, but from the same mountainous region and no less finely made. He’d found himself looking at it a lot, in those gray, dull months after he returned to England, its ornate beauty shining like a torch among his drab, utilitarian belongings.

Crossed by quamquam20; Rated R (hard, hard R)
This is so not my kink it's ridiculous, but this is also so insanely well written - clever and thoughtful and so beautifully pieced together - that it's impossible not to rec. Sherlock's doing research with a riding crop and I can't even function over how good this is, over how perfect the last lines are. I had to go walking around the house to wrap my brain around it and to stop flailing my hands. And maybe it's the end that makes this fic brilliant, but sometimes it's the end that matters the most.

“Do you recall how high the tack hook had been placed?” he asks rhetorically as he throws the buckle end of his belt over the curtain rod and tests the resistance, twisting the leather around his wrists and tugging to tighten the knot. John knows not to answer.

Instead, he studies Sherlock’s back as he moves. His body is sleek and efficiently muscled and his skin is so white that it seems to glow in the dimly lit room. It makes the dark curls on the back of his neck even more pronounced.

John picks up the riding crop.